I wrote this a couple of weeks ago on notebook paper. I have so much going on in my heart and in my life I need somewhere to put how I am feeling. Putting myself out there and being transparent is something that I don't like to do and am scared of doing. I feel I am not good with words and what I write usually wouldn't make much sense to anyone else. So trying to write about how I am feeling and letting others know how I am really feeling is hard for me. But, here is what I wrote...
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
I heard this question on the radio this morning. It seems like listening to Christian radio is or happens to be my quiet time in the morning car ride back home from dropping off Maggie at her at school days. She goes only two days a week, but I seem to get a lot from God on those mornings (unless someone is crying in the back of the van!) So I know I need an actual quiet time to pray and read my bible and I am going to. I am working on that. Having 4 kids 6 and under is hard stuff. Especially having the youngest 3, 3 years old, 13 months old and 3 months old. It wears me out!
So to the question I heard...What would you do if you weren't afraid? or better yet...What would I do if I wasn't afraid?
That question rocked me...
Lately I have felt lots of tugging on my heart...
I will be the first to admit...I have been terrible this past year with my relationship with God and going to Him with the things on my mind. He should be the first I go to when things are crazy or when I do feel His tugging and His great plans for me. I need His guidance. I have been trying to figure out just on my own what difference I am suppose to make in this world. I know there's something BIG for me to do. I feel this because I know when He has big plans I get attacked spiritually. I NEED to go to Him with my requests, my needs, my wants, my hopes, my dreams, my everything. I need you Jesus, come to my rescue.
Obviously Ethiopia lays heavy on my heart. Adam and I both have a love for it and its people. Are we supposed to pick up and move there and help? I don't know. Do I feel like we should? Yes a lot of the time I do. But then doubt seeps in. Have a gone before God about it? rarely. I do feel like He has placed this on ours hearts. He doesn't place moving your family 8000 miles away on the hearts of everyone. Some would call me Crazy! He has placed it on Adams heart as well...
So we give to our church, we give to mocha club, sponsor a child through World Vision, sponsor a child in Korah, we are doing Operation Christmas child, we give to World vision to fight hunger, I give change to the guy on the corner...These things are awesome, but its not stepping out of my comfort zone. I am not afraid of them.
When I think about these things that bother me that I want to help do something about (orphan crisis, hunger, HIV/AIDS, lack of clean water, etc... in the back of my mind I hear "you can do these things later, you need to focus on being a mom, Focus on your kids." Cant I focus on them and focus on making a difference?
So the question...What would I do if I wasn't afraid? I never really thought it was fear getting in the way. I thought it was life, my crazy busy life. Also not having enough money to help, or not having good ideas, or someone else is probably already doing it, or you are afraid of talking to people, you don't like being the center of attention, the list could go on...It all boils down to fear. I could make a 1000 excuses to not act on my dreams.
This past year has been hard. Bonding with Zek has been harder on me than expected. he screams a lot and is very sensitive. i love him so much, its just hard sometimes. I never expected to have 2 babies 9 1/2 months apart. that is hard. Hazel has had a hard time transitioning to her roll as being a big sister 2 times in 7 months. With her having a hard time its been hard om me as well.
Society and the people around me tell me "its exhausting having 4 little kids", "are you crazy?", "it must be so hard", "you must be exhausted", "how do you home school?", "you have your hands full". "how do you do it?" I am frankly fed up with the comments that people make. I think its made me really think that this life must just be so hard because I have these 4 little ones to take care of. They are a blessing to me. Yes they keep me on my toes, but I love them and they are not a burden that some people may think they are. My kids are a blessing.
Transitioning to Adams job at our church has been difficult. Ministry jobs take their toll on you. Life has taken a toll on me.
I am ready to give it to God. I am done trying to figure this life out all on my own. i am taking the first step against my fears and taking it all to God and letting Him let me know what He wants from me.
So while I was writing this stuff down a few weeks ago I heard..."you (God) use the weak to lead the strong" I know He will use me. I just have to step out there. So I, Christie, am taking the first steps in making myself a whole hearted follower of God instead of a half hearted follower.
God really placed Africa on our hearts even before we started our adoption. We actually thought about missions in Africa someday (as crazy as it seemed then and still seems now). We set that aside then God really laid adoption on our hearts. We went through the adoption scared. So I really do know whats its like doing things I am afraid of doing. I know what its like living my life for God and going to Him. I have been there. But I have let it go to the back burner, trying to figure things out for myself.
God has placed lots of dreams on my heart. I just have to wait for His answers and guidance and His timing. Are we supposed to adopt again someday?, are we supposed to work in the missions field?, are we supposed to do something here in our own city to make a difference?...we will see :)
So here I start. I am going to go to Him for everything, I am going to read His word.. and I am going to serve for Him. Maggie and I are going to start volunteering weekly at our outreach house at church. It is open several times a week and people can come in and receive food from the pantry and other items.
Something else that has been hard on us is our finances. We have debt and we need to get rid of it. So we have taken a step this month and for the whole month of November we are on a spending freeze. We can only get groceries, any toiletries we may need, and gas. Its not like we are big spenders or anything we just need to get ourselves on track. So far so good and we are 5 days into it :) I am learning that instead of sweeping my "crap" (sorry for the language) under my rug and letting it all pile up under it. I need to clean it up immediately. I keep ignoring the things that are going wrong in my life and sweeping it under the rug trying to hide it, but it starts to seep out again...I try to sweep it back under but the more and more I sweep under the more and more it seeps out. If I take my "crap" to God then He will help me clean it up. I know this is long and if you have read it this far...thanks for reading...sorry if it doesn't make much sense :)
I am currently reading this...